About 10 days into the new year I got a call from my dear friend. She was checking on me, since we hadn’t talked in a while. I was telling her about my horrible holiday and how shitty the past few years have been for me. She stopped me mind sentence and told me that I need to have more faith and start speaking life over myself. This is a little bit harder to do when you feel like hell and there seems to be no end in sight. She gave me a challenge to write, to think, and to say only positive things about my life, instead of finding things that were wrong, The goal was to focus on things I should be thankful for.
In a perfect world I would’ve jumped into this with my whole heart and soul to become a beacon of positivity and light, but this world is not perfect and neither am I. Instead I started two days later out of guilt and hopelessness. What could it hurt? If I was positive for 30 days and I at least felt a little bit better, it would have been all worth it. There were days when I was full of positivity and gratitude because something very small happened that day that brought me joy. There were other days when I couldn’t muster up any positivity. On those days all I could do was release all of the feelings of regret, bitterness, and anxiousness that fester inside of me. There were some days when I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to write down any thoughts of gratitude, I didn’t want to pray and I didn’t want to read the Bible or any inspirational devotionals.
When day 30 rolled around I was relieved. I started to reflect on what had happened over my period of positivity and I came to the realization of a few things. I realized that more good things had happened in those 30 days than the last 30 days of 2018. I felt lighter. I had more energy and I wanted more of this feeling. I know that I have a long journey to recovery, but I’m ready to do the work necessary to get there. I hope to go back to the gym next week and I am eating healthier. I still have the occasional cheat, but that’s ok and I don’t feel so much guilt afterwards. I am more motivated to work on my projects and my blog. I am socializing and networking a lot more. Some nights I go to bed not dreading the next day; that is progress. I am writing this because I know there are so many chronic illness patients who can’t see the end in sight, let alone a break from the chaos of sickness.
I have no idea what the trajectory of mine or your illness will be, but I do think there is some validity in taking a moment to be thankful for something. I think there is so much power in the mind and tongue. We are more capable to speak and think good things over our lives or not so good things. I know it’s not easy to do, but it’s worth it. It has a far more positive effect on your overall health to boost your mental and spiritual wellbeing; everything is symbiotic. Here is an article from John Hopkins University that goes more in depth about this concept.