I am unworthy of love, at least that’s how I have been feeling for a very long time. I apologize in advance if this post does not encourage you or give you information about my journey with Lupus and what I have learned. I’m sorry if this makes you feel worse than you already do. I do not mean to hurt or discourage you at all. It’s just that this site also serves as a therapeutic release for me, because at times, like right now I fall apart. I have been crying for two days and the tears won’t stop coming. I have my moments when I get so frustrated with my life. I did not ask for this! I don’t want this! I love that I can be used to help other people who are going through a similar struggle as I am, but I don’t like that it has to be this way and for so long. If you would have asked my teenage self where I would be in my mid- thirties it certainly would not be where I am right now- unmarried, no kids, overweight, unaccomplished and back in Dallas, the city I swore I would never live in again, depending on family to help take care of me.  I have always been able to take care of me and that ability has been taken away from me.

I am tired. I am asking God, when will this change? How long do I have to be here? What am I doing wrong? It has even affected my dating life. I am not sure when to tell a guy I am dating about my situation. I met someone last year, who turned out to not worth my time, and when it came up he just froze. He asked me how long it has been and why I didn’t look sick. He said that he just wanted to have fun, in other words- I don’t want to deal with your baggage. Cool, he turned out to be more of a boy in a man’s body anyway. So hey, that was a blessing in disguise.  A couple years into my diagnosis a guy I was seeing got mad at me that I didn’t tell him earlier and asked me if it was contagious. After I assured him that I did not infect him with anything, I picked up my purse and walked out of his apartment.  I never saw him again or returned his calls.

I know that it is not a novel thing for sick people to find love.   Heck, there are dying people who find love, but I can’t help feeling that I am unworthy of love. I always ask myself who is going to want to put up with my constant doctors appointments, my high medical bills, the many days I don’t feel well and my mood swings and all of the other side effects from drugs and Lupus that I haven’t talked about? Surely there is someone, right? I haven’t been in love for a long time, I’m not sure I even remember what that feels like. Honestly, I am afraid to fall in love. I am afraid to share my burden with someone else besides the people who love me unconditionally, namely my parents. They bear a lot of the financial burden, the emotional stress, and the physical pain that I endure. Who else would love me like that? I see people who love their significant others through far worse circumstances but I don’t know how you find love like that. I wouldn’t even know where to look. Perhaps there’s a dating app for that.

I asked one of my older brothers if he had ever dated a woman who had a chronic illness.  He said that he did date a girl with MS and that she felt the same way I feel right now.  She went to therapy for awhile and is now married with two kids.  I love a happy ending.  I do agree that I need some therapy to deal with this, but every time I have tried it has always lead to dead end. Maybe I will continue to try until something works out.

My “requirements” for a mate have changed so drastically in the last few years. I never thought that having good heath insurance would be right up there with must love Jesus, but this is my reality now. I am trying my best to live my life like I always have, the best way I know how. Enjoying everyday like I am not promised tomorrow but still having my future in mind.  I have to accept that this is my life and whoever chooses to share it with me will take part in my victories and defeats. Whoever this man will be, God bless him because he will be taking on a lot, but hopefully he will see that the advantages outweigh the obstacles and love me as I am.

I am unworthy of love, at least that’s how I have been feeling for a very long time. I apologize in advance if this post does not encourage you or give you information about my journey with Lupus and what I have learned. I’m sorry if this makes you feel worse than you already do. I do not mean to hurt or discourage you at all. It’s just that this site also serves as a therapeutic release for me, because at times, like right now I fall apart. I have been crying for two days and the tears won’t stop coming. I have my moments when I get so frustrated with my life. I did not ask for this! I don’t want this! I love that I can be used to help other people who are going through a similar struggle as I am, but I don’t like that it has to be this way and for so long. If you would have asked my teenage self where I would be in my mid- thirties it certainly would not be where I am right now- unmarried, no kids, overweight, unaccomplished and back in Dallas, the city I swore I would never live in again, depending on family to help take care of me.  I have always been able to take care of me and that ability has been taken away from me.

I am tired. I am asking God, when will this change? How long do I have to be here? What am I doing wrong? It has even affected my dating life. I am not sure when to tell a guy I am dating about my situation. I met someone last year, who turned out to not worth my time, and when it came up he just froze. He asked me how long it has been and why I didn’t look sick. He said that he just wanted to have fun, in other words- I don’t want to deal with your baggage. Cool, he turned out to be more of a boy in a man’s body anyway. So hey, that was a blessing in disguise.  A couple years into my diagnosis a guy I was seeing got mad at me that I didn’t tell him earlier and asked me if it was contagious. After I assured him that I did not infect him with anything, I picked up my purse and walked out of his apartment.  I never saw him again or returned his calls.

I know that it is not a novel thing for sick people to find love.   Heck, there are dying people who find love, but I can’t help feeling that I am unworthy of love. I always ask myself who is going to want to put up with my constant doctors appointments, my high medical bills, the many days I don’t feel well and my mood swings and all of the other side effects from drugs and Lupus that I haven’t talked about? Surely there is someone, right? I haven’t been in love for a long time, I’m not sure I even remember what that feels like. Honestly, I am afraid to fall in love. I am afraid to share my burden with someone else besides the people who love me unconditionally, namely my parents. They bear a lot of the financial burden, the emotional stress, and the physical pain that I endure. Who else would love me like that? I see people who love their significant others through far worse circumstances but I don’t know how you find love like that. I wouldn’t even know where to look. Perhaps there’s a dating app for that.

My “requirements” for a mate have changed so drastically in the last few years. I never thought that having good heath insurance would be right up there with must love Jesus, but this is my reality now. I am trying my best to live my life like I always have, the best way I know how. Enjoying everyday like I am not promised tomorrow but still having my future in mind.  I have to accept that this is my life and whoever chooses to share it with me will take part in my victories and defeats. Whoever this man will be, God bless him because he will be taking on a lot, but hopefully he will see that the advantages outweigh the obstacles and love me as I am.

 

To make you even more depressed here is a song I always listen to when I am feeling this way.  It will get better but in the meantime I just need to feel what I am feeling.

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